This post took me days to write. This is really a lay it all out for everyone to see what a freak I am/was when it comes to food post. Bear with me, this one’s long and ugly.
I used to be a binger, sneak eater, closet cheater. Yep, I am a charter member of the bingers club. I still fight tendencies to binge eat. Just yesterday, I had a fiber one bar (oats and chocolate….heaven!!!!!) Once I finished it, I wanted another, heck; I wanted to eat the entire box right then. I had the points to cover it, so everything would have been “legal”, but now I understand that binging isn’t what is best for me anymore.
I used to binge on everything. My biggest down falls were meat and sweets. I love meat. I would be happy with just pork chops and cottage cheese for dinner (no veggies….why take up valuable plate real estate with something other than meat?). Quick, cut a little piece off that one before anyone sees. I cook everything on the grill, no one knows how many steaks I grilled, and once I cut them up, no one will ever know that I had one and a half. What the hell does that matter? (That no one knows) It’s my body consuming the fat and calories. It’s my arteries that are filling with so much goo that my blood can’t flow thru them. Sneak eating hurts no one but myself. So who do I think I am fooling? And let’s not forget the guilt and remorse after the binge. Anorexics purge after their binge (not making fun or disrespecting the disease of anorexia, no offense is intended). Fat people just feel guilty and binge some more.
Binge examples: I would buy a Sara Lee Chocolate Cream Pie on Friday on my way home from work and have it gone midday Saturday. The thing is, John would usually never even know there was a chocolate pie! I would have two reasons for the secrecy. One I would have to share (I can’t share my relationship with Sara Lee!) and two, I would have the embarrassment of admitting to him that the entire pie was gone when he wanted another piece the next night.
Another biggie would be when I made No Bake Cookies, my absolute favorite cookie. I would have to make a double batch just so that there were a few left to make it look like I didn’t eat them all. I literally ate them until I was sick and in the bathroom resolving to never make no bakes again.
Oh and how about how I could rationalize binging on brownies and cookies for breakfast? This reationalization especially applied to no bakes cookies. They have oats in them. Can’t they be considered similar to cold oatmeal? Yeah, I would tell myself that brownies and cookies aren’t that different than muffins or donuts. Plenty of people eat muffins and donuts in the morning. Here is the caveat, one, they don’t eat half a dozen in their dark car on their way to work, and two it really isn’t the best way for anyone to start their day.
There is a gas station near my house that carries freshly made donuts from our very best bakery in town. I would always get two, usually the big ones about the size of your head. Of course I didn’t want the guy at the cash register to judge me, a fat girl buying donuts. So when I got to the register I would say “Two donuts in the bag, one for me and one to make my boss happy.” Like the guy at the counter cared who the hell I was buying donuts for!!!
So there. It’s not pretty, but this was a little window into my former binging behaviors. I know some of you reading this are nodding and smiling because you have been there. I can’t say I have the answers, but getting it out into the open certainly feels good. Thanks for listening.
I used to be a binger, sneak eater, closet cheater. Yep, I am a charter member of the bingers club. I still fight tendencies to binge eat. Just yesterday, I had a fiber one bar (oats and chocolate….heaven!!!!!) Once I finished it, I wanted another, heck; I wanted to eat the entire box right then. I had the points to cover it, so everything would have been “legal”, but now I understand that binging isn’t what is best for me anymore.
I used to binge on everything. My biggest down falls were meat and sweets. I love meat. I would be happy with just pork chops and cottage cheese for dinner (no veggies….why take up valuable plate real estate with something other than meat?). Quick, cut a little piece off that one before anyone sees. I cook everything on the grill, no one knows how many steaks I grilled, and once I cut them up, no one will ever know that I had one and a half. What the hell does that matter? (That no one knows) It’s my body consuming the fat and calories. It’s my arteries that are filling with so much goo that my blood can’t flow thru them. Sneak eating hurts no one but myself. So who do I think I am fooling? And let’s not forget the guilt and remorse after the binge. Anorexics purge after their binge (not making fun or disrespecting the disease of anorexia, no offense is intended). Fat people just feel guilty and binge some more.
Binge examples: I would buy a Sara Lee Chocolate Cream Pie on Friday on my way home from work and have it gone midday Saturday. The thing is, John would usually never even know there was a chocolate pie! I would have two reasons for the secrecy. One I would have to share (I can’t share my relationship with Sara Lee!) and two, I would have the embarrassment of admitting to him that the entire pie was gone when he wanted another piece the next night.
Another biggie would be when I made No Bake Cookies, my absolute favorite cookie. I would have to make a double batch just so that there were a few left to make it look like I didn’t eat them all. I literally ate them until I was sick and in the bathroom resolving to never make no bakes again.
Oh and how about how I could rationalize binging on brownies and cookies for breakfast? This reationalization especially applied to no bakes cookies. They have oats in them. Can’t they be considered similar to cold oatmeal? Yeah, I would tell myself that brownies and cookies aren’t that different than muffins or donuts. Plenty of people eat muffins and donuts in the morning. Here is the caveat, one, they don’t eat half a dozen in their dark car on their way to work, and two it really isn’t the best way for anyone to start their day.
There is a gas station near my house that carries freshly made donuts from our very best bakery in town. I would always get two, usually the big ones about the size of your head. Of course I didn’t want the guy at the cash register to judge me, a fat girl buying donuts. So when I got to the register I would say “Two donuts in the bag, one for me and one to make my boss happy.” Like the guy at the counter cared who the hell I was buying donuts for!!!
So there. It’s not pretty, but this was a little window into my former binging behaviors. I know some of you reading this are nodding and smiling because you have been there. I can’t say I have the answers, but getting it out into the open certainly feels good. Thanks for listening.
1 comment:
I tried to leave a comment but not sure it went thru, so I must leave another one. You are very courages to share this information. This post reminds me of an old A.A. slogan "you are only as sick as your secrets" You are truly on your way to recovery.
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