Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Why is Karma so slow?

Disclaimer: This post is not weight related but mental health related. I have been working on this post for 2 months, I think I am finally ready to publish it. Read at your own risk.

I was hurt this summer. I was stabbed so hard in the back by the person that I thought was my best girlfriend of five years that the knife came right out the front of my chest. I’m talking knock your ass on the ground and knock the breath out of your chest hurt. It is because of events this summer that I have stopped showing dogs in AKC Conformation. I’m not saying I will never show dogs again, but I’m not saying I will either.

I still have to see this person on a somewhat regular basis and it is really hard. Each time I see her I relive everything that happened this summer and have to come to the realization that even though I thought she was my best friend, she didn’t feel the same. See, I held her in such a high regard, I wanted to be like her. Now that I find out what truly matters to her she has fallen off the pedestal in my eyes. These events make me question my own judgments of people. Why didn’t I see what she was really like? Actually, I did see the way she treated others, but chose to over look it.
So why do I care that she has never acknowledged what she did was wrong? Not only did these events make me question my ability to make character judgments, but also my worth as a person. I mean…..there must be something wrong with me if she doesn’t like me enough to apologize…..right? Why do I wish that the music would swell and Karma would have its way with her or that she would see the error of her ways and beg me to forgive her? Why do I still even care?
My life is much better than it was a few short months ago. I am happy that I have more free time to spend with my husband, instead of leaving him every weekend to go to a show. I have reconnected with old friends and made some fantastic new friends. I am thrilled to not be spending the money on showing dogs; it has definitely helped my budget. I am ecstatic that I am putting myself first and taking the time to workout and care for myself. Instead of trying to be liked, I am learning to like myself regardless of what other people thing. A lot harder than it sounds.

In the past, I would have wanted to be liked so badly, that I probably would have forgiven her and continued on. I think the fact that I wasn’t willing to do that makes it much more open ended for me. I can honestly say I have never lost a friend like this. Sure, I’ve lost touch with friends over the years, but never an out and out I am not your friend, I can’t speak to you again type of ending. I have always been the one to give in just to be accepted and liked and this time I stood up for myself. I look forward to the day when I can say I am past the hurt of this loss. I think I get a little closer every day. So it’s a work in progress, each day I try to forget more about this summer and enjoy where I am right now, in this moment. That is all I can do

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