Crossing it off the List

Today I am able to cross another “want” off my list. My step dad took me both kayaking and canoeing while we were up to the lake for their labor day BBQ. We had a blast! He showed me how to get in without tipping over and I could have stayed out there for hours. Next week we are planning to kayak down the river which he said is very different than kayaking on the lake.

I know I’ve come a long way from a year ago. But I need to keep in mind that I have a long way to go. Now is not the time to be taking a week off because I am sad. I want to be strong and fit. I can’t slow down now. I have been working on my new “Want list”. I’ll post it when I get it finished.

Hello, Rock Bottom? I'd like to leave now.

Whew. I think I am finally out of this funk. My eating was good today. I didn’t stick with my 3 hour feedings, but ate the right foods in small amounts. Actually I slept until 1pm and then we went to a BBQ at the lake. So really, I ate a total of two meals.

It is amazing what a cycle I started last week. I would over eat, and then feel sick to my stomach and lethargic to where I didn’t want to do anything other than sit and watch TV then I would eat more while I watched TV. Then the guilt kicked in. I would eat, then feel bad about eating, so I would eat some more. Such a cycle. But today I think I’ve finally drug myself out of it.

I can feel that I gained weight this week. I know I should have went to weigh in on Saturday so that I really knew the damage (temporary of course) I did. It’s probably going to take me two weeks to get the (likely) five pounds back off. My stomach is flabbier and my shorts were snug today. I did this to myself just because I was sad about leaving my job? I have really got to find a better way to deal with my feelings. This was ridiculous. One day would have been understandable, but I gave myself a pass for the week. How did overeating help me? It didn’t. Now I have to convince those plumped up fat cells to give it up again.

Tough Week

Well as far as eating this week. I threw in the towel. I don't even plan on going to weigh in tomorrow. I am such an emotional eater and saying good bye to people all this week and packing up my office is taking a tole on me. It's 2pm my last day here and almost everything is packed up and ready to go to the car. I collected a ton of hugs and well wishes from all the people on the floor of the shop and today we ordered in pizza and after we ate a couple of the girls and I played a Grey's Anatomy board game. We always rehashed Grey's on Friday morning (well they did, it was on after my bed time so I would have to talk them into telling me the details before I was able to watch it on my TIVO).
I know that this taking this new job is the right thing for me, but it doesn't make leaving the people I've grown to love any easier. Man, these are amazing people. So much laughter and memories. I do feel like I was part of a big family.
I did already tell them I was crashing the Christmas Party this year.

Horsin' Around

Well, I’ve managed to cross something else off my “Want List”. I can now say I have been horseback riding for the first time in 10 years. Today I went for a 2 hour trail ride with Nikki, Jenny, and Liberty (or as I like to call them, my Kettle Bell Girls). I loved the liability agreement we all had to sign. One of the questions asked if you were under or over 240 pounds! It was wonderful to be able to mark under. I couldn’t have done that last year.

I’m not sure if I can actually call what I did horseback riding because I really rode Molly the mule. Okay, at least she was half horse. Talk about a pushy girl. I guess we were well matched because all she wanted to do was snack as we rode. I really worked my shoulders and biceps pulling the reins up to get her to stop eating.

Liberty (my trainer) pointed out that we were using our core strength to balance and ride. That girl can point out the fitness in everything. I can’t believe I would get to see these girls three days a week. I am going to miss them so much. Fortunately, Liberty does offer some Saturday boot camps, so I am going to plan to get over there for those classes. Plus there are other things I will need to go back for too. The local feed store sells the brand of dog food I buy $6 cheaper than I can get here at home (when you go through a bag a week, that savings adds up). Plus I’ll need to come over every couple of weeks to pick up my Amish eggs. I just keep reminding myself that this isn’t good bye. It’s just a change in scheduling. The friendships I have made in these three girls are not friendships of convenience, I really think they are long term friends.

Afternoon Tantrum

So this afternoon I threw what I am calling an eating tantrum. From 5 pm to 8 pm I grazed to my hearts content. Good thing I didn’t have anything really good in the house. I stuck with Whole Wheat bread, pork tenderloin off the grill, a skinny cow fudge bar, and a vita muffin, oh and a sugar free pudding. I was pissed off about today’s gain and had that destructive attitude that if I’m going to gain, I may as well eat. I know….stupid.

Interestingly this wasn’t like the old binges. This was the first time I went on an eating spree that I actually carefully weighed and measured everything I ate. I made a mental note of everything I ate and then logged it afterward. The damage really wasn’t bad. I went over my carbs by about 40 grams. Everything else was right in line with what my daily totals are supposed to be. I think the biggest transgression is that I didn’t stay within my 3 hour feedings and instead grazed for three solid hours.

Do I feel better? No. Did this teach me anything? Sort of. I knew I wanted to disobey the rules, but not so much as to do any real damage otherwise I wouldn’t have measured and logged what I ate. Maybe I am changing. But I’m still pissed about the gain.

Weigh in Report for August 23rd

There aren't enough swear words to convey how frustrated I am today. I was up 1.4 pounds today. Honestly, I didn't do anything different from last week. I thought I was going to go in for a couple of pound loss today. What is wrong with my body?

It made me so sad to see an 11 year old little girl had joined last week. I could see myself in her. I was her at 11 years old. Already developed, already having to wear adult women's clothes. Don't get me wrong.... I am thrilled that a family member (I couldn't tell if it was mom, aunt, or grandma) was trying to help her by bringing her, but I can guess this is going to be her life's work, (as is mine) at battling eating disorders, self esteem problems and not feeling like she fits in with the rest of her friends. I certainly hope this won't be her lot in life, but you know as well as I do, that once this gets a hold of us, we will battle it all our lives. I just wanted to take her and hug her and tell her that no matter what her size she is beautiful and valuable but life has to be about more than food.

What happened to my town?

Yikes, I ran into town tonight after work to grab a couple of things and my town has been invaded with college students! The clerk at Kroger told me that this is the largest freshman class ever for this university. The streets and stores are clogged. As I entered Kroger I passed a group of young men (boy, don’t I sound old) with a keg in their cart along with bottles of hard liquor. Someone isn’t going to feel so good in the morning.

Actually, “Back to School” time makes me very nostalgic for that time in my life when every thing was possible and within reach. I know, your going to say, everything is still possible and within reach. Yeah, it is sort of, but it doesn’t come with the same youth and naïveté anymore. I long for that “fresh start” and the smell of old books and freshly sharpened pencils and brand new markers.

In a way I’m getting that fresh start this year by starting my new job in a few days. In honor of my fresh start; I splurged on an insulated tote to carry my lunch in as I’ll be leaving behind the mini fridge I currently share with my coworker. I’ll need something to keep food poisoning at bay. It is so cute. It’s black with pink polka dots. You wouldn’t even know it was a cooler; it looks like a big zippered purse.

It reinforces how many changes I have made in my life that when I think of treating myself I no longer think of food. A treat or a splurge is about me. Not eating.

Stress? What Stress?

Actually other than putting in longer hours than normal, this week hasn’t really been that bad. My boss in a moment of emotional weakness said that he valued my opinion on chosing my replacement and asked me along with two coworkers to conduct the 2nd interviews. I asked him to repeat what he just said louder and into the microphone and he said “no, you only get to hear that once. I really think he is going to miss me. I’m sure he would never say it, but some things you just know.

It was nice to be on the other side of the interview table. I was really nervous interviewing for my new position as it had been four years since I had used those “pick me!” skills.

It is going to be really hard leaving next week. As I took my replacement around the factory floor to introduce her to people, those that had not heard I was leaving said they were very sad to see me go and I even got some hugs. Really flattering.

Eating has been stellar. I have continued to eat my 6 meals consisting of about 22 grams protein and 22 grams carbs and keep my fat intake to about 30 grams per day. Other than impatiently waiting for the feedings on Sunday and Monday, it has gone smoothly again this week.

I did manage to pawn my trainee off on someone else for an hour so I could make kettle bell class today. My kettle bell days are numbered with changing jobs and I want to spend all the lunch hours with my girls that I can. Very good class. We spent the first 15 minutes doing timed snatches along with two handed swings then she had set up 6 bells of progressive weight (lightest was 35 pounds and the heaviest was 88 pounds) For the first lap, we had to do 10 sumo squats with each bell. Let me tell you, by the time I finished with the 88 pounder, my thighs felt like I had cement blocks strapped to them. We did the same thing (only backwards…started with heaviest weights and finished with lightest) only plie squats instead o sumos. Amazing how the 35 pound bell felt like a marshmallow after lifting the big boy.

When is my next fricking feeding?

I’m working on my terrible swearing habit as my new job is in a nice proper office and not a factory where you can throw around f-bombs any time you like. So I will try to clean up the blog as well.

Diet Doc is going so well (obviously….. considering my loss on Saturday). I am not physically hungry. I actually have been eating around 24-28 points, so it’s not like I have dropped my calories to dangerous levels. This program just rearranges what you eat when and how much at a time. I did have my first weekly cheat meal yesterday (3 slices of pizza from our favorite local bar), but I felt so full afterwards, and guilty. I shouldn’t have felt guilty because this is not only allowed, but it is a mandatory part of the progam.

The last couple of days have been so tough though….I have stayed on plan, but man I watch the clock all day waiting for my next feeding. You would think this week would find me filled with resolve because of the nice weight loss on Saturday and being hopeful that my weight loss is finally moving again. I think a lot of my unrest comes from the new job I’ll be starting in a couple of weeks and still wondering if I am making the right decision (I know I am). I was also a lazy bum yesterday and other than a 30 minute hike at the local park with Haven, sat my butt (look at that….I didn’t say ass) on the couch watching Olympic coverage.

I just have to keep at this and fight those urges and find something else to do instead of focusing on food.

Weigh in Report for August 16th

When I said yesterday I thought I was looking at a good loss yesterday, my body wasn't kiddin! I was down 4.2 pounds this week for a total gone of 75.5!!!!! Today my WW leader gave me the little disk that goes on the 10% key ring for 75 pounds lost. What a nice feeling. I am so hopeful that my new eating pattern has really helped move me off the ugly plateu I've been on for so long.

Big News

I am so sorry for being MIA this week. BUT, I have big news! I have been offered (and accepted) a job back in my home town. The week has been filled with secretive interviews, 2nd interviews and actually telling my boss that I am leaving. Emotionally draining for certain. In fact I came home from work tonight and promptly fell asleep for two hours. \

About the job....."career wise" if you consider my degree, this was a step backwards. My new job is being the secretary to the county clerk. "Life wise" this is a huge step in the right direction. The pros to taking this job are many; my commute will be a whole four miles each way. My mom will be working just one floor up from my office so we will be able to spend so much more time together than we have in the past. The county has a better retirement plan, optical, dental, and more vacation and paid holidays than you can shake a stick at!

It will be hard to leave my job as I do enjoy (nearly all) of my coworkers and really respect my boss. I have learned and grown so much in the past four years in this position. I don't think that the automotive industry is a very good place to be at this time in our economy, no one knows what the big three is going to do or how it is going to trickle down and affect the tier two and three suppliers. Some of the biggest cons to leaving are not job related. I will be leaving my kettle bell gym and the amazing girls that I have become friends with. I'll have to actually pay to join a gym as I won't have a gym in the building like I am used to.

I am aprehensive about how all these changes will affect my weight loss. I'll no longer be able to fit my workouts in the middle of the day. I'm going to have to have the fortitude to make sure that I workout before or after work. Of course, while the weather is nice, mom and I will walk on our lunch to fit in a bit more activity.

So these are good changes, but changes none the less. I am pleased to say that even with all the drama and stress this week, I stuck exactly to my eating plan and just know that I am looking at a good loss tomorrow.

Trying Something New

The kettle bell gym I go to offers a program called Diet Doc. Now, if you go to the Diet Doc website, it’s filled with body builders and the like, but I like the science behind the plan and I have decided to try it. I don’t plan on quitting WW as of right now, because I do think the meetings and focusing on behavior management is very important and Diet Doc doesn’t focus on it as much as far as I can tell after being on the program a few days.

Diet Doc is about eating 5-8 small meals and only eating as much as your body will need for the next 3 hours. According to the plan, eating more than that causes your body to store the extra calories, and we all know, I don’t need to store anything for later! You are given a calorie goal and that translates into a protein/carb/fat goal for each meal and for the entire day. My goal is 130 grams of protein, 130 grams of carbohydrate and 30 grams of fat per day. It is really important for these goals to be evenly distributed between your meals (I am doing 6 meals per day).

It sounds complicated and it does take a bit to get in the mind set of what is a carb what is a protein (instead of counting calories, points and fiber)and how to combine them but once you get that part down then it is all about planning your meals. This does take a bit more planning. The other struggle is getting used to eating small meals. Dinner is not an occasion to eat a huge meal, dinner is simply your 6pm feeding and you would treat it just like your 3pm feeding. Little bit of protein, little bit of carb and a little bit of fat. I have to keep in mind that I have 6 opportunities to eat instead and no longer graze all day takes a bit of getting used to as well. I so want to get to a point in my life where food is not about enjoyment and it is just about fueling your body nothing else. I know that is a lofty goal, but it is something I can work toward.

I am encouraged and hopeful that this will help me continue to lose weight. I have been doing the program since Friday. So far I have met with my trainer twice for about an hour at a time, planning meals, and going over the program so you do get some face to face individual attention, which I think is important.

The pic is from 2002 of me in Beijing.

Weigh in Report for August 9th

Well, Well, Well, I was down 1.8 pounds today for a total loss of 71.6 pounds gone. I am very please with the downward progress this week. Hopefully next week I will be at an all time low.....let's hope the scale spirits agree.

So what was different about this week? Two things come to mind. I was much more careful about spreading my points evenly throughout the day so that I didn't have 5 points at the end of the day to blow on junk food. I also mixed up my exercise this week more than normal. I hopped on the stairmaster one day, did two workouts at the kettlebell gym and an hour of bike riding one day.

The New I Want List?

One of the many topics of conversation Saturday was about the catalyst for losing weight or the reasons that keeps us going. It dawned on me that I have accomplished most of my Want List, and maybe that is the reason I am not being as successful as in the past. I know I’ve never given you numbers of what my heaviest weight was or what I am down to, but you know I’ve gone from 26 to the size 16 I wear now. My want list was concrete, tangible things that I wanted to be able to do in my life. I wanted to go horseback riding (on the calendar this month) I wanted to be able to sit in a lawn chair without worrying I would break it (done).

I have accomplished a lot. I’ve come a long way. I know I fuss, moan and whine about not losing any weight since May, but damn, I haven’t quit and gone back to the Ding Dongs and Totino’s pizzas! That says a lot. Old Brenda would have thrown in the towel for not losing weight for two and a half months and would be sitting watching TV with her double date Ben and Jerry. Old Brenda would have stopped exercising already. New Brenda has stuck with it. Comments from you guys both on the blog and privately have helped so much.

I need to think of the things that I want to do 65 pounds from now that I don’t feel comfortable doing now. I need those tangible reasons that remind me that I’m not finished with this. Yeah, I can hear some of you saying “wear a skimpy bathing suit, fit into a size 6, reduce your risk of heart disease”, all valid goals for some but those don’t inspire me with passion. I need to know in my heart why I am doing this and why I will continue to the end. Maybe it’s that I know I need to reach goal in order to become a WW leader, maybe I do have that marathon in me that I need to finish. I did say I wanted to be a runner in my first Want List. I haven’t run a step in months, so there is some unfinished business there to revisit.

So it’s time to revamp the Want List from what I was to where I want to go. Suggestions are always welcome.

Never Fear, I am Here!

I have not thrown in the towel. I am so sorry I didn’t post a weigh in report this weekend. I got sidetracked with a trip to Ann Arbor for a Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s fix with my mom and a couple of friends on Saturday right after WW.
I was down .6 pounds this week. I can live with that, it’s a movement in the right direction. It isn’t the apology from the scale I would hope to receive…( I was thinking some astronomical number and that it would also flash, “I’m sorry Brenda for screwing with you so much the last couple of months). But, down is down and that counts for something, half hearted apology accepted.

Saturday was a blast and reenergizing. The friends that went with us this month include Kristy, who I’ve known and adored for more than 15 years. She’s a power house of a person, with a degree in dietetics and has been diligently trying to help me get over this hump. She brought along her friend Blaine who is a personal trainer, avid runner, bike racer and nutritionist for a local gym. Nothing like having the most amazing brains in the car for a long road trip.

Blaine and Kristy went to work on my eating habits and the way I eat my points. I confessed to eating light during the day (only 12 of my 28 points are used by the time I leave work for the day) and gave me structured amounts to eat at each meal and snack. I am to eat 6 points for each meal and have two 4 point and one 2 point snacks throughout the day.

Kristy and Blaine talked about muscle memory and that they think our bodies may do the same thing when we eat the same food every day. My understanding of muscle memory is that when we ask our bodies to do the same routine every single day (30 minutes on the treadmill, 20 minutes on the Stairmaster…) our bodies just say, “Oh…..okay, I know how to do this and I will do it more efficiently today so I can save myself work in the end. Kind of like the super old commercial with the Dunkin’ Donuts guy. “It’s time to make the donuts….” It is all very rote and your body just starts going through the motions.

They both thought that not only do I need to stop eating my same English muffin with PB2 for breakfast and a salad for lunch with 5 ounces of chicken, they also thought that mixing up how many points I eat each day (instead of 28 every single day) would be a good idea. Neither of them thought I should drop my points or eat less and Blaine thought that a couple times a week I should add in an extra 5 points or so of protein on top of my normal points. She very clearly stipulated that the extra 5 points were not to be applied to eating no pudge brownies and ice cream.

So I got a great pep talk, which I really needed and some ideas to try. Well see how it goes.